sometimes i try to be too much for me. & sometimes i have pressure from all around me. & sometimes i appear strong-but sometimes i'm breaking down inside. & i'm losing who i am through all of the homework & the essays. & what i believe in seems to be suffocating between the lines of things to do in my planner & on my calendar. & i'm spread so thin & trying so hard ((or am i?)) & b/c of that everything is falling apart. even spending time with my friends is just another thing on my schedule now. & i never have time to write or think...& lately i feel like i haven't even been able to breathe. & there's no way out that i can see b/c ...b/c there's nothing i can drop. & i'm always on the edge of breaking down or giving up but i can't give up & i don't have time to break down. i don't have time to feel. & love...love takes time. & i feel like i'm cutting through a connection between me&what i want to be b/c i never have time. & i never have emotion left b/c of all of the stress. & it all just leaves me more lost. & words have betrayed me because i deserted them weeks ago. i suppose i don't blame them: i would have done the same. but my life seems so empty without emotions or words or dreams or goals. b/c really, what's left? family.school.housework. but just that alone... is that what life is all about? it's just a vicious cycle, i suppose. & i suppose there's no stopping it. i just miss the days when i had time to feel...when i had time to write & to think...when i had time to live. lately i feel like a character out of ayn rand's anthem, lacking individuality, inspiration, and most importantly, freedom.

in my short twenty-seven years of life on this planet called earth i have discovered numerous truths. the most important truth out of all of these truths, i personally believe, is to live a little. i'm not talking about going out late at night and partying until 6:00 A.M., and i'm not talking about driving 100 miles per hour down the highway for no reason at all. i'm not talking about doing dangerous things; i am simply talking about living. what would you do if you found out you had only a few precious days to live? would you spend that time sulking in self-misery? would you go to a job that you hated on your last morning to live? would you rush through your day feeling stressed out and worried? would you spend your cell phone minutes complaining about gas prices? would you go through your normal routine, living life in a methodical, apathetic manner? Would you only pretend to live?

or instead, would you wake up a little bit earlier just to lie in bed a little bit longer? would you watch the sun rise over the earth? Would you sing to your favorite songs on your car stereo? would you smile a little bit more? would you laugh a little bit louder? Would you give your opinions more readily? would you tell your friends you love them and would you tell your family how much they mean to you? would you kiss your lover a little bit more passionately? would you call that old friend you've been meaning to call for almost three years now? would you smile at the sun or dance in the rain? would you run on the beaches of california? would you live your dreams? would you live, just a little bit?

and although these questions may seem cliché, you should spend a little time to consider them. what would you do? How would you live? on a day-to-day basis do you really live, or do you just simply exist? life happens only once. a rewind button does not exist. We cannot control time. we cannot control death; however, we can control life. we can control our attitudes. We can dance in the rain and smile at the sun. we can express our love to friends and family. We can sing in the car and watch the sun rise. we are capable. we can. so, why wouldn’t we? carpe diem. seize the day.

Theres Beauty In The Breakdown

I use to write...a lot. I've had a "private" blog for several years, I'd say around 8 or 9 years. I suffered a lot of heartache for a long time and had a lot of hate in my life for a lot of people and things. Every now and again it creeps back up and smacks me in the face, but most times I am too busy to be phased by it. I found this old entry, and it kind of sums up a lot of what I've been feeling lately. I will write a real, current entry eventually, I just have to figure out how to put my thoughts into words.


it's been weird lately. with the things going on in my life. the way all the sudden i'm not free anymore. the way my i get angry with every little thing some people do. the way i cried last night because i got so stressed out. the way i can't seem to do anything right...but at the same time, even though it kills me, it's hard to make myself want to put the effort in. oh i know, it's this time of year again. spring & everybody's happy & the weather is warm & flip flops are essential. the time of year where every girl hits the tanning bed and dream of the beach.

it's that time of year.
the time when i should be feeling so much, & yet most of the time i feel empty. the time when the hotness of the wind seems to touch my spirit. the time when i sleep in my spare time, even though i wasn't really even tired at all. & there are good times-don't get me wrong. i can still feel enough to love someone else. & i can smile & laugh & have a good time. but i go into my room at night & it creeps up on me. that feeling of being alone. too alone. but the way some dark part of my heart thrives on that feeling...it makes me hate the way i love a twist of bitter&sweet. i want to love the simple things again. like puppy dog kisses & sunshine & friends & music &....i've even forgotten the rest.

So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.

And maybe we’ll never know most of them.

But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from,

we can still choose were we go from there.

We can still do things.

And we can try to feel okay about them.