Theres Beauty In The Breakdown

I use to write...a lot. I've had a "private" blog for several years, I'd say around 8 or 9 years. I suffered a lot of heartache for a long time and had a lot of hate in my life for a lot of people and things. Every now and again it creeps back up and smacks me in the face, but most times I am too busy to be phased by it. I found this old entry, and it kind of sums up a lot of what I've been feeling lately. I will write a real, current entry eventually, I just have to figure out how to put my thoughts into words.


it's been weird lately. with the things going on in my life. the way all the sudden i'm not free anymore. the way my i get angry with every little thing some people do. the way i cried last night because i got so stressed out. the way i can't seem to do anything right...but at the same time, even though it kills me, it's hard to make myself want to put the effort in. oh i know, it's this time of year again. spring & everybody's happy & the weather is warm & flip flops are essential. the time of year where every girl hits the tanning bed and dream of the beach.

it's that time of year.
the time when i should be feeling so much, & yet most of the time i feel empty. the time when the hotness of the wind seems to touch my spirit. the time when i sleep in my spare time, even though i wasn't really even tired at all. & there are good times-don't get me wrong. i can still feel enough to love someone else. & i can smile & laugh & have a good time. but i go into my room at night & it creeps up on me. that feeling of being alone. too alone. but the way some dark part of my heart thrives on that feeling...it makes me hate the way i love a twist of bitter&sweet. i want to love the simple things again. like puppy dog kisses & sunshine & friends & music &....i've even forgotten the rest.

So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.

And maybe we’ll never know most of them.

But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from,

we can still choose were we go from there.

We can still do things.

And we can try to feel okay about them.